We’ve all been there—our fingers itching over the keyboard as we order endless piles of clothes for the fall season ahead. Crispy cool weather needs crispy new fashions! But alas, as those packages pile up outside your apartment door, the boxes inevitably contain a plethora of lulus and turkeys, things that barely fit or flatter you, made of fabric whose cheesiness could not be discerned from the AI photos on the internet.

This is why in-person shopping is so wonderful, why it will never lose its glow and its profound allure! Instead of schlepping losers back to the UPS store, you can merely leave them in the fitting room. And this is why the opening of a fancy new outlet mall less than an hour from Manhattan—and boasting names like Valentino! Thom Browne! Missoni! Cavalli!—is being met, at least by me, with breathless anticipation.

So on a boiling hot end-of-summer day, I decide to explore this new Valhalla. (Full disclosure: Though Belmont Park Village is an easy train ride away, I go by car.) A new outlet mall is beyond intoxicating, and my credit cards are bulging out of my wallet, but a lifetime of in-person shopping can result in some hard-learned lessons. Which is why I am willing to share my hard-earned tips, honed after years (decades!) of outlet adventures. Please pay attention!

One: The Heart Has Its Reasons. Approach outlet shopping like dating: There should be a spark. If you don’t know what you are looking for, search for those items that spark joy—that make you sigh before you’re even in the fitting room. Remember, shopping is a lot like love: There is really no rhyme or reason; when you know, you know.

Two: Expect the Unexpected. The seductive, sexy caftan vibe at Cavalli is its own kind of classic, and I have long admired the brand, but sadly I am not heading to Capri any time soon. But wait, what is this?! A blue enamel snake cuff bracelet for $144 that could lighten up my black Comme des Garçons smocks?