Alexander Skarsgard is reflecting on his challenging years in Hollywood earlier in his career.

During a recent appearance on Jesse Tyler Ferguson’s Dinner’s on Me podcast, the actor recalled “crying in the shower” after bad auditions, prior to his 2008 breakout year with his roles in Generation Kill and True Blood.

“I found those experiences — they were horrible — when you go in for something that you know you’re not right for, and you’re not connecting with a character at all, but you’re at a place where you feel like you can’t say no to the audition,” Skarsgard said of his struggles with the audition process, even after he starred in 2001’s Zoolander.

“I was always on the cusp of being fired by my agents,” the Pillion actor added. “If I say no to this [audition], they’re probably gonna drop me, so I gotta go in, but I don’t connect to the role. I’m completely wrong for it.”

The Big Little Lies actor admitted he gets “a little PTSD” thinking about that time in his career, “because I remember the feeling of coming back to my little shitty apartment in L.A., you know, crying in the shower after a day like that. I just felt filthy in my soul and, like, zero confidence. I was like, ‘I’m the worst actor in the world, and I also have no dignity because I go in and audition for this stuff. I’m wasting their time.’ It’s a rough feeling.”

Following in his acting father Stellan Skarsgard’s footsteps also probably added to the pressure, but Alexander stuck with it, going on to land roles in The Giver, Big Little Lies, The Northman, Succession, Godzilla vs. Kong, The Legend of Tarzan and Murderbot, among others.

Alexander is also the eldest of five brothers, including Gustaf, Sam, Bill, Eija and Valter, and two half-brothers.