The truth is, we all caught feelings—messily, unevenly, at different times. Somehow, we remained friends. They’re still together, which makes them something of an anomaly. But in many ways, they beat the odds. Studies suggest that threesomes can strain relationships, often due to jealousy.
As I near 30, I think I’m done with threesomes—at least for now. Maybe one day, when I’m married with children and we’re looking to shake off the suburban stupor, I’ll go back—but if I do, it’ll be with both eyes wide open.
Because threesomes are rarely just about sex. They’re about communication. Boundaries. Intentions. Desires. That’s the framework Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, a professor of human sexuality at NYU, uses—BIDs, she calls them. “You have to know exactly what you’re signing up for,” she tells me.
It’s not about who’s in the room; it’s about making sure everyone’s emotional needs are acknowledged and addressed before the clothes come off. “Choosing the person carefully is so important,” Dr. Vrangalova says. “Not all threesome partners are created equal. Avoid exes. Avoid people with unresolved feelings. Avoid chaos, if you can.”
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is using a threesome as a solution to an existing problem. “It won’t fix your issues,” Dr. Vrangalova says. “In fact, it’s likely to magnify them.”
In my experience, threesomes can be thrilling. But the aftermath—the quiet emotional fallout—can be harder to manage. What feels empowering in the moment can turn into confusion, jealousy, or regret when the high wears off.
That’s why, obvious as it may sound, communication really is everything: before, during, and especially after. As Dr. Vrangalova puts it, “You need to have a check-in conversation, ideally the same day or the next. If there are any negative feelings—jealousy, insecurity—they need to be acknowledged and worked through.”
Threesomes should come from a place of curiosity, not obligation. Ask yourself: Why do I want this? Am I ready? Is my partner? Be honest. Be intentional.
The lesson I’ve learned—the hard way—is that your sexual story is yours to write. You can explore. You can experiment. But the only way to make it meaningful is to stay emotionally attuned to yourself and others. Sex is more than performance; it’s also presence.