Most relationships end for a good reason, and taking time to examine the part we played in the dynamic enables us to learn from our mistakes and avoid making them again. Time alone is also essential for truly moving on. “It is important to process any relationship we find ourselves in, regardless of the length, commitment, and monogamous status,” says psychotherapist Brianna Paruolo.

Equally important is the ability to be alone without seeking validation from others; there’s a reason the old adage “if you can’t be happy single, you won’t be happy in a partnership” still holds. As psychotherapist Ken Fierheller says, “it’s not necessarily bad to enjoy having a monogamous partner. What is bad, however, is if a person truly cannot enjoy or even function without an exclusive partner. The ability to be single happily is important.”

Ultimately, a person’s inability to be comfortable alone could be a sign that they have underlying attachment or self-esteem issues that actually make it challenging for them to sustain a relationship long-term. “These traits can contribute to the breakdown of a relationship over time, as they affect the relationship’s overall connection,” explains Howard. “This breakdown in connection can cause relational issues that spill over into other relationships and even into different areas of intimacy, including the bedroom.”

What are the causes of serial monogamy?

All of us long for connection, intimacy, and love. “The initial romantic phase can be intoxicating; we are focused on all of our partner’s positive traits,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Audrey Schoen.

A serial monogamist, however, may be addicted to that initial rush yet harbor subconscious fears that prevent them from sustaining a healthy bond once the butterflies disappear. These subconscious fears are often caused by all sorts underlying and somewhat intertwined psychological issues, such as low self-esteem, unhealthy attachment styles, and unresolved trauma.

Past trauma

Experiencing past trauma or an emotionally tumultuous childhood can lead to unhealthy relationship habits or an insecure attachment style. “For example, experiencing a parent’s divorce can cause one to experience unhealthy relationship habits and connections,” explains Howard.

“Past traumas or attachment injuries can cause someone to seek connection intensely, but later pull back from intimacy as things get real,” adds Schoen.

Fragile self-esteem and fear of loneliness

Along those same lines, a serial monogamist may have an intense fear of loneliness driven by low self-esteem. “Many people are afraid of being alone. Instead of embracing being single they’d rather be with someone, even if they’re not totally in love,” explains Suwinyattichaiporn. “They always need a relationship to justify their importance or as a way to seek validation.”

Emotional immaturity

Sustaining a relationship long-term isn’t always a walk in the park. “As relationships go on, they require work and emotional maturity to be maintained,” sex therapist Emily May says. “This is often something a serial monogamist isn’t always ready to face. A lot of serial monogamists are avoiding some emotional heavy-lifting.”

Fear of commitment

On the surface, it may seem like a serial monogamist loves commitment, but it can actually be the opposite. After all, it’s usually at the point when things “get real” that a serial monogamist cuts and runs. “There’s often a deep-rooted fear of commitment or, more specifically, the loss of freedom and independence that comes with it,” notes May.

A warped sense of relational value

At the same time, many people place a high value on being in a relationship—which is somewhat understandable, given the way our culture exalts coupledom. For example, a serial monogamist may have internalized family pressures, feel the tick-tock of the biological clock, or believe stereotypes that depict singles as unwanted, undesirable, and unloved. “Many people are taught that they’re only as good as their relationships, so they view relationships as an indication of their inherent value or self-worth,” Howard says.

How to break the cycle of serial monogamy?

The good news? Serial monogamists can definitely find deep, lasting love—it just takes introspection and self-work.