Stephen Colbert returned to The Late Show on Tuesday night (September 2) after a summer hiatus and quickly caught up on the news he’d missed, including rumors of Donald Trump‘s death. Plus, he gave his take on what a Trump phone sex line might sound like.

“I was shocked to learn that this weekend, the biggest story was frenzied social media rumors speculating whether Donald Trump had died,” the late-night host said at the top of his opening monologue. “For the record, Donald Trump is very much alive, okay.”

When the studio audience booed in response, Colbert calmed them down, saying, “No, we like our presidents alive.”

“This whole crazy rumor started simply because Trump had zero events on his schedule, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday,” the comedian continued. “One of the only signs that he might still be around was music in the Rose Garden, which the White House confirmed was the President’s music. Which, I got to say, is not the strongest proof of life. ‘Yes, nurse, I do see that flat line, but the patient is clearly alive because his iPhone is playing Papa loves Mambo.’”

“Anyway, because he was out of public view, and because, when he is in public view, eww, the internet went crazy. ‘Is Trump dead?’ and ‘Trump dead’ were among the top searches on Google, while the top search on Bing was as always, ‘where find Google?’” Colbert quipped.

He then pointed to an interview Vice President JD Vance gave to USA Today, where he was asked if he was ready to assume the role of Commander in Chief if needed.

“The President is in incredibly good health. He’s got incredible energy,” Vance answered. “And while most of the people who work around the President of the United States are younger than he is, I think that we find that he actually is the last person who goes to sleep. He’s the last person making phone calls at night.”

Colbert wasn’t sure if this was proof that Trump “is completely healthy” or that “he runs a phone sex line.” He then mimicked the President, saying, “‘Hello… what am I wearing? I’m wearing my baseball hat with my name on it and compression socks for my bloated cankles. Oh, they’re so plump with fluid right now! You wanna hear them gurgle?’”

The host also wasn’t convinced by the blurry footage of Trump arriving at the White House entrance on Saturday (August 30). “For more proof, the White House also released a photo of Trump swimming in a Scottish Loch,” he added, referring to the infamous Loch Ness Monster.

Before wrapping up the segment, Colbert pointed to the “completely normal video from the weekend where someone drops multiple heavy mystery bags out an upper story window [at the White House].”

“The White House official told reporters it was a contractor doing regular maintenance while the president was gone,” Colbert continued, though Trump himself later claimed it was “probably AI-generated,” despite complaining about how people “blame AI” when something really bad happens.

“You just blamed AI!” Colbert snapped. “Which means something really bad happened! Are you dead? Were you in those bags? Are you AI?”

You can watch the full monologue in the video above and let us know your thoughts below.